I was supposed to leave for Japan about 4 hours ago today. Since then, I’ve said a lot all over my Facebook as well as my Deviantart which I think was misunderstood.
I will not lie, I do have many mixed feeling.
One thing that I would like to say that I don’t think people understood is that I am indeed happy to be here at home rather than in Japan.
I am however, disappointed because I did have things that I needed to take care of, and because of this I am unable to do so and thus have to wait even longer to get into my school.
There are many strange feelings for me right now; not just because, “Oh my trip got canceled” either.
I was nagged by my parents to lie to my teacher and tell her that I had a funeral to go to in the middle of school and head to Japan then. As much as I like my teacher and I think that she likes me, that’s too much to ask. Not to mention that I am taking all Japanese therefore missing a lot of Japanese information that I’m going to need.
I’m currently being blamed for not planning this at an earlier date.
Which leads me to my next thought, which is that I originally wanted to leave after class on Thursday March 10th. And even before then. Which makes me think, “Wow, I could have been apart of this.” And no matter how much I know that I know I would be ok, in Osaka, doesn’t mean that its going to stop the panic. I’m still going to be scared. Which leads to another thought.
If I got stranded there, what would I do? I only have so much money. What if my flight gets canceled? I don’t know if Priceline will cover me for another flight because their policy says nothing on it. Not to mention what about my friend, Henry? He has even less money than I do. What if we got separated? What is he was off doing his own thing and got caught up in all this?
Then the really scary thing for me was that I was planning to go to Sendai. Which is in shambles right now.
So the more I think about my parents pushing me to have gone earlier, the more I wonder if I would have been in Sendai that day…
Its also hard to deal with because I can see my dream being pushed back yet again. Whether I like it or not, I do care about myself and what will happen to me. When I see my dream being pushed back and unattainable in the time frame I had wanted it to happen in, it’s depressing.
It’s depressing to think that had this not happen, I would be studying in Japan. As selfish as that sounds, I’m human and I can’t help but think it.
Its hard to feel like you can’t be selfish or disappointed because it was something that was just out of your power. I do honestly worry for the people of Japan and what will happen to them, but I can’t just drop that and say that I don’t worry about my future either.
Its a very hard feeling.
So I’m sorry if there were people who I had offended. It’s just this is going to be one of the strangest emotions I think I will ever deal with. Sadness for the people, disappointment for myself, fear for what could have been.